Tater Tots Love
August 15, 2004 --- May 10, 2012


Everyone kept telling me," Oh, you'll forget and it will get better in time." I didn't want to forget. I wanted to remember every little thing. So I wrote it all down two days later.

You found out your best friend died May 10 , 2012. Remember you thought it was a bad joke. You saw the look on your moms face when you got out of the car , you knew something was wrong , but that he died never crossed your mind. Remember everything happens for a reason. I hope you find out the reason for this later. It hurts so bad right now and you can't help but blame Kitty ( My boxer I have just had for 2 years) , she opened the gate. She's sad to cause her play mate never came back home with her. So I hope you learn not to blame her. Remember that poem Joey told you to read. " The Rainbow Bridge." It was sweet but you didn't think anything of it. Until you walked outside and saw that amazing rainbow starting at one tree and stretching itself over his tree (the one he is buried under) , hiding behind the clouds , and then peeking back through to end at the shed. It was only there for thirty seconds before it was covered up by a cloud. There only long enough to show his love and dedication even after death. Long enough to promise that he's waiting on that rainbow bridge for you.He gave me hope , inspite of everything , showing me love even with so much pain.The baby birds hatched whenever you were standing out on the porch ( We have a nest of baby birds every so often that are laid on our porch). You instantly thought of the circle of life. Something has to die for something to be born. You keep thinking of what if , what if , what if. What if isn't going to bring him back. It hurts how it ended but be thankful it started. You learn life lessons and all the reasons for everything. But you learn them to late. You learn them after it's already over and you can't change it. I think that's one of lifes biggest pains. Haha remember while you're typing this Luci is asleep beside you & her legs are kicking , I bet she's running with him in her dream. You want nothing but to be with him right now. Cause you realize how important and involved he was with your every day activity for the past 8 years. Even when you were on the laptop like this. He would be laying infront of it on your lap asleep. Remember the day you got him in Justin, Tx. You picked him out because he wasn't the one that ran to you. He was the weirdo one in the cage in the back and he just looked so lonely. You never realized the mess you were getting yourself into. You babied him so much. He got half of your food every time you ate. He slept in your bed. He got a stocking at christmas. He became so much more than just a pet. He's part of the reason you are alive right now. All those times you were scared to take a shower without someone in there with you. But he would always lay by the tub on your clothes and remember how you lost that fear , because he was in there and you knew nothing would get to you because he wouldn't let it. All the times mom would go to hug you and he'd growl. He'd growl if someone even looked at you wrong. Or the boy that busted your nose on your first date , he took a chunk out of his leg for you. Pay back. You started to sleep with the lights off when he was in bed with you. You knew when anyone was coming cause he'd bark that annoying but so loved and missed bark now. He helped you so much. He was there whenever you were handling the divorce. He was there licking your tears when dad wouldn't talk to you.He was there when Aunt Zell died of cancer. He was there through every dumb boy. He was the only friend you had til you were 15( home schooled) and even when he died when you were 19. He was still your very best friend. He knew everything about you. You told that dog so many secrets no one knows. He was the one you'd hold and cry. He always knew how you felt. Remember the times you weren't so happy. He licked the cuts you made ( dumb depression time) , his attempt to say don't hurt yourself. Or maybe that bottle of pills you were going to take that he knocked over. You got so mad at him for like 10 seconds. Til you realized he just saved your life. Do you remember how he used to play by himself? he would toss his head and throw his own toy and then chase to get it.Then shake it violently and make dust fly in the yard & when he did that how everyone would freak out and think he really needs some anger managment. and then he got Luci. They became the greatest pair. Remember how you scared Lauren when you pointed out how his head was snake shaped ( best friend terrified of snakes). How he would always whine at the chair and claw. You didn't know what was wrong at first. Til you realized his ball was under there and you'd have to lift the chair cause he wouldn't stop clawing and whining. You couldn't believe how he could know his ball was there. Remember how whenever he would tear something up , he'd always be hiding underneath the bed. Or remember how Kitty drug him around the yard trying to bring you back a toy cause he just wouldn't let go. And then he learned to lay his head on his toys so they wouldn't get stolen. He was so greedy. Remember how he always brought a toy into the bathroom to lay beside the bathtub when you showered. You would always distract him whenever Luci would come in and she'd slowly walk up and grab it then run out of the bathroom. Haha that evil eye look he gave you when he got his toy back and came back into the bathroom. Or how Kitty would have the rope toy and she would tease him with it. Like litteraly hit him in the head with it then pull it back whenever he went to get it. But he gave her pay back when you would throw a toy and they would both chase it , he would always slow down at the end and she'd end up banging into the door , dresser , wall , haha almost anything. You remember how you'd get so annoyed whenever he heard the vacum he would bark. You would do anything to hear that agian. Or to see his little tail going 100 miles an hour shaking his entire body. Or him sleeping on your pillow , or getting woke up in the morning with a lick to the face. Haha or how he was so sneaky. He would wait til you turned your head then steal your food off the night stand. Same with your drink. He was so smart. He tilted the fork up with his paw to lick the under side of it. Remember that time Mark put him in the box in the back of the truck. He pushed his head through that little opening and he wiggled out just so he could jump into your lap. Remember how when you left for Houston , you'd have to call mom so he would even come inside the house. He was so crazy about you. You were all that mattered to him. Lol remember how you and Lauren talked about how when ya'll were getting married he would be the one to bark whenever the preacher said does anyone object. That dog would attack anyone who came within 5 feet of you. You didn't realize how much he meant til now. Now you can't help but feel pain for everything he isn't doing. Tho you had been telling him he was a bad influence on kitty recently cause she was stealing your food. But now she's stealing your food when you turn your head & she's laying in the bathroom every time you go to shower. It's like he told her that you would need something to help you get through this to remind you of him. You haven't slept in 3 days. You haven't ate but once. You've been crying almost every hour. You've had to correct yourself from using present tense. But you just can't seem to accept he's gone. This will never sink in all the way. You've tried calling him when you've showered. You almost said his name to stop him from getting into your food when you turned your head. You grab three bones instead of just 2 still. You can't help but think if you could of done anything to save him if you would have been home. You never pictured life without him. Remember how he'd always steal every bodies toys on christmas when you bought those stockings. You got him the blue set he would always end up with the pink. You think you're losing it. You've thought you heard him whine countless times , you think you saw him running in the field. You don't know if it's him still here with you or if you're just losing it cause you haven't slept. But every time you go to close your eyes you see him. You don't want to wait all those years to see him agian. But you don't have a choice. You want a little part of him but you think it's just a shot in the dark to try to go find a brother or sister of his litters. But you just don't want to let go. You need a part of him because he was such a big part of you. Something to just tell , " yeah your great uncle did such and such." Dumb. No one gets why you're in so much pain. But when he died , so did a part of you. Remember that little rat terrier/ jack russel named Tatertot you saw for adoption the next day. You emailed the rescue , they told you they never had a dog by that name for adoption. You're writing this cause you are so scared that you will forget him. You're afraid that age and time will take away or fade his memory. But right now. At this moment. I don't think you will ever forget him.You think all you have left are memories. So wrong. He loved you to much to vanish without a trace. He is a part of you now. He left a little part of his soul right next to yours and that is quite fitting because that's how it always was. Both of you side by side. He understands your tears tho. Each one is a testament of love for him. But don't forget the good things you shared. You will never lose him. He's part of you. He couldn't promise to love you the rest of your life , but he loved you the rest of his. Just remember your promise to get to that rainbow bridge.

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