Rainbow

Journal for Isabel Isabeagle Burns

 

May 15, 2013
Today is the 11 year anniversary of the day that Isabel came into my life. I found this website last night and knew that I wanted to create a page for her. I am still really struggling to accept that she is gone and I will never be able to hold her, scratch her butt, or see her look at me with those eyes again. I loved her eyes. She talked so much with those eyes. She wasn't supposed to die. The surgery was to make her better. She was doing so well too. The vet was impressed with how well she was doing hours after she woke up from anesthesia. When I stopped by after work to see her, she was even able to kick my hand when I stopped petting her, like she always did. And then within less than 6 hours later, she is dead. I cried so hard for days. Now, a week later and I have no more tears, but I still have that hole, that missing piece, the inability to accept. My heart aches, my head is cloudy, I don’t feel like I am really here. Like I am going through the motions, but the world is going on around me. Every time I think about her, I get a lump in my throat and my eyes try to make tears, but there are none left. She deserves every tear, every ache of my heart and more. I miss her so much!
May 20, 2013
Today is another sad day. My dad wrote on the guestbook and it was wonderful, but it made me cry. I miss my beagle so much and to see the impact that she had on others just reminds me how special she was. I finally have Rascal eating again, but more and more I am noticing little things that show how much his life has changed too. Isabel was already here when I rescued Rascal and the two of them had been together day and night for almost 7 years. Isabel was the only dog that he played with and followed around and liked being with. Rascal is not a very social dog; he is afraid of every dog he meets but not Isabel. It took him a few days to become comfortable with his new home, but I don't remember him being afraid of Isabel. I remember when I had to put him in training and they kept him for two weeks, Isabel spent the whole time looking for him and waiting for him to come back. I was expecting her to rejoice that the crazy new puppy was gone and she had the house to herself again, but she really missed him. And now it’s his turn to miss her. I know we did everything we could to keep her around as long as possible and that we were lucky that she didn’t suffer, but I still can’t believe that her time wasn’t cut short. I can’t stop thinking about that morning and how she was herself in the car and barking at another dog and she was mad that I hadn’t fed her. I spent the whole day waiting for the call that something would go wrong in the surgery and when I got to see her after work and saw that she was ok, I almost passed out with relief. Everything was going so well and the doctors were impressed and I finally let my guard down and relaxed and that’s when I got the call. They still don’t know what went wrong. I keep picturing her trying to stand up when we were getting ready to go. She wanted to come with. She didn’t want us to leave her there. She wanted to come home. If I hadn’t done the surgery or even if we had waited, she would still be here and my heart wouldn’t be broken. My dad spoke of the man upstairs wanting cuddles, but it was too soon. He took her too soon. She was my dog and I want her back. It’s not fair. I still need her. Rascal still needs her. I would give anything to have her back. There has been talk of puppies, but I don’t want another dog. I want Isabel.
May 22, 2013
Two weeks have past and I am still struggling to understand how this could happen, why it happened, what exactly went wrong. If I had waited on the surgery, would the outcome have been different. Everyone says that at least this way she didn't suffer, but no one knows what would have happened. It all still really stings and when I think that I never get to see her again it becomes hard to breathe. I researched adopting a rescue beagle and found a little beagle/doxie mix that made me smile. I filled out the application and I will go through the process and possibly adopt him. But it feels like a completely separate thing than losing Isabel. I am not replacing her, she is irreplaceable. I am not doing this because Rascal needs a play mate or because my dad is struggling with not having a cuddle puppy. I am not doing this because I want a puppy. I just found a puppy that needs a good home and that caught my attention. I still don’t think that anything could fill this void that losing Isabel has left. My heart is still broken. I still would give anything in the world to have her back. I still love her more than anything.
June 2, 2013
So yesterday we brought home Wiggles, a beagle/doxie mix puppy that we rescued. He is 4 and looks like Isabel was put in the dryer and shrank. He is fitting in really well with the family and is getting along with Rascal perfectly. As Rory said, it’s like he was “paw” picked by a beagle up above. He is very cute and I am already very attached to the little guy, but I am noticing that because he does look so much like Isabel that he isn’t quite the distraction I was hoping he would be. I look at a picture of him and have to do a double take and remember that it is Wiggles and not Isabel. I am taking him to the vet tonight to get him checked out and registered, but while I am there, I am going to ask about what happened to my baby and how she died. I know they don’t know the exact cause, but I feel that if I know as much as possible as to what happened that I will have fewer questions swimming in my head. I don’t think that I am betraying her by getting another dog so soon since I agree with Rory that she played a part in bringing him to us, but I do admit that every once in a while, I do feel a little guilty for being happy with him when I am still so sad about her. I haven’t forgotten her and I still have that empty space and I miss her just as much and want her back so badly. I still can’t believe that she is gone. She shouldn’t be gone. I know that if she was still here that Wiggles wouldn’t be in a forever home and according to the dates of his being fixed and vaccinated, I almost want to say that Wiggles came to them on the 8th… the day she died. I am going to check on that, because that would be more than a coincidence. That would be proof to me that my beagle is still looking out for her family, not that I doubt that anyway. I have to go back to work, but today as yesterday and tomorrow and always, Isabel is in my head, my heart, and loved more than ever.

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