June 7, 2013
One month ago today I took Isabel to the vet to have surgery to remove a mass from her lung and have a drainage hole put into a saliva gland that kept swelling up and blocking her airway. The surgery went really well and initially the recovery was going great and better than expected. But at 11pm I got a phone call that Isabel’s breathing had changed and that there was air building up outside her lungs. The vet told me that there was two things they could do, either put in another tube or call the surgeon and open her up again. I hesitated. I told her that I was going to come over there. My first thought was about paying for more, not my girls health, but money. I truly hate how money rules our lives.
June 10, 2013
So a month has past and although I am able to function and I have taken on the care of another dog, my heart still aches for my Isabel. I still can’t believe that she is gone. I don’t get to go home and see her bouncing up and down and barking at me that it is time for her to eat. When I go to bed, there is no beagle sleeping on the pillows above my head. There is no more sound of her snoring to lull me to sleep. I miss her so much. I know I keep saying that and although it’s true, it doesn’t seem adequate to voice how much I miss her and love her and want her back. I have so many memories of her and I am lucky for that, but I would rather have her. The world seems so wrong without her. I really wish that I could have her back. I don’t think I will ever accept that she is gone and not coming back. I can’t even drive past the vet’s office without wanting to go in and tell them to give me my dog back. It scares me how much I am willing to give up for her. But I am thankfully smart enough to know that it wouldn’t make a difference. I am trying really hard not to hate God because I don’t, but I am so mad at him. It wasn’t fair to take her from me. He gets her for all eternity; he couldn’t have given me a few more years with her?!
June 27, 2013
I still miss my baby girl more than anything. I am still really mad and sad and hurt and scared. I made the decision last week that I needed to seek help and although my mother is pushing for it, she wants me to talk to a pastor, but doesn't seem very proactive about getting ahold of them. There are only a few people who seem to understand that this was not the loss of a pet. Isabel was not a pet. She was my world. For all the distractions I am putting in my life, getting Wiggles, work, planning my wedding, I still think about her every other thought. I still tear up at the thought or her or the sight of a picture, it is hurts my chest and makes me feel sick. I know that there is a stage in grieving that is called bargaining and I am not bargaining, but I keep getting the thought I feel like I could. It is not an actual thought of if I did this I could get her back, but more that I have to remind myself that there is no way to get her back not matter what I did as if I was thinking I could. I am scared by the thought that I will never see her again. I know that everyone keeps telling me that she is in heaven with so and so and I can’t say that I don’t feel that she had a hand in bringing Wiggles into my life, but I am not sure I fully believe that when I die I will go to heaven and she will be there. Part of me feels that heaven is a delusion we create to make us feel better. I just wish that I could have her back. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about learning to live without her.
August 30, 2013
I haven't been able to write lately since it has been hard to get myself out of bed. Losing Isabel has started me on a downward spiral of depression. I miss her so much. All I want is to have her back.
November 15, 2013
It has been six months since I created this page for Isabel and I still miss her as much as the day I lost her. I am truly grateful to know that I have a place to go that is just for her. Some where that I can tell the world just how much she means to me and express some of the thoughts that I have to hide from the world since too many people are already worried about me and my ability to cope with her loss. I know that people don't understand and apparently when I post too much on facebook about her it makes them worried. At the same time, I don't want to hold there thoughts inside. Honoring her is just something I have to do. I like thinking about her and talking about her. Yes I still get sad and cry and it still hurts a lot, but to avoid thoughts of her and to not let it hurt feels like I am honoring her memory and how special she was. I was looking for a picture and found a bunch of old holiday pictures and I was suprised but not to find a picture of almost every member of my extended family with Isabel. She was such a sweet and loving girl and you couldn't help but love her. I was suprised to find a picture of my aunt who is not really a dog person snuggling and rubbing noses with Isabel. I still can't believe that she is gone. A big part of my brain still can't wrap itself around the idea that she is no longer in my life. That I can't go home and curl up with her or watch her inhale her food. She was just too much a part of my life to comprehend that all of that is over. I don't cry every day anymore, but it is still at least once a week. She deserves every tear and then some. I miss you Isabel.